I realized today as I watched my beautiful innocent funloving gleeful daughter playing, just what was going on in my life when I was her age, and it sent a chill down my spine. I never looked at myself as ever being that age, and it makes me angry that my life changed so drastically at such a young age.
A child's innocence can be stolen in a million different ways, and mine was taken by a few ... but I always wonder how my personality may be have become different ... when you watch your child become the age you remember things from your own childhood, it is surreal .... I don't have many memories from my childhood before age 8, so it's strange, scarry, hurtful .... so many things, to watch her and make sure I am creating positive memories for her and to ensure that myself and others don't do to her some of the things that were done to me ... I realize now how fragile a child's ego is, and how mine was so easily damaged that I really 'get' the huge responsibility I have as her mother ... every word, look, rolling of eyes, anything I do I know she will remember and it will have an impact on her because it's at her age I start remembering my childhood. She will look back on her life as I am doing now and perhaps even blog about it .. but I have a huge role in how that turns out.
I look to her future, and I think of my life at the 'age when' and the things to come, and am starting to mentally and emotionally prepare myself and think of how my mom handled things, and how I felt, and how I will handle them differently. I accept that I have and will screw up a million different ways than my mom did, but I guess I can only hope to do my best and screw her up a little less than I was! :)
I have always taken my role as a mother very seriously and think it is the best job in the world, and strive to do it better than I've done anything else .... but it really hit home today that what I do will be remembered, and looked back on ....
..... I guess the saying is true "if you aren't ready to have your heart broken, you aren't ready to be a parent" .... and I know it's so true.
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For someone who thinks she is "screwed up", you sure turned out to be an amazing human being, a fabulous mother, and a devoted friend. I only wish that some of the ones out there who don't admit their flaws were as wonderful a human being as you are Beth. Anyone lucky enough to have crossed your path in life can consider themselves truly blessed! MK
ReplyDeleteI think I had such a hard time with Ava finishing Grade 1 this year because I clearly remember my Grade 1 teacher and school year, much more so than kindergarten. I had a similar epiphany about how these are her permanent memories now, on a day by day, sometimes hour by hour basis, and it does carry a weight that wasn't necessarily there before.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very loving and patient mom, and the fact that you are self aware enough to admit when you've failed as a parent and always strive to do a better job is a guarantee that your kids will start off with a very stable base in life. Kudos to you, for your self awareness and humility as much as your obvious strengths as a mom and a friend.