Blessed

Today I have to take my baby boy into the Children's Hospital for a follow up ultrasound on is kidney. He sort of has 3 kidney's as his left kidney is duplexed, which means there's two chambers, an upstairs and a downstairs, each draining separately. At his last check up everything was fine, and he will be having to go yearly for these check ups .... I'm sure everything will be fine, but there's always that little nervousness that your child won't be perfect.

I remember when I was pregnant and we found out about his kidney .... the very first ultrasound ..... I sat in the parking lot and bawled my eyes out and then called a friend who calmed me down and reminded me that it could be worse. The last few months of my pregnancy were consumed with constant ultrasounds to check his kidney.

Next week we go back to meet with the doctor and review the results, and we will find out (hopefully) that everything is still working as it should and we'll be done with it for another year.

Ironically tonight I am going to a Trooper concert, benefiting the Kidney Foundation. A friend from highschool and his wife along with his company arranged it. Sadly, this friend's three children all have kidney disease, and will all likely need kidney transplants in their life as well as lose their hearing (kidney's and ears develop at the same time and often if there's something wrong with one, the other will have issues as well). I plan on having a great time tonight celebrating the fact that my boy's kidney issues are not as serious as my friend's children, but also hoping for a great turnout with lots of generous people giving to this great cause so that perhaps their futures are a little brighter.

So, if you have healthy children, hug them a little closer for as my friend put it when I found out about Landon's minor problems, it could always be worse and we are so lucky for the blessing of health.

Favorites

Growing up I always knew my brother was my parent's favorite child, they showed it in their actions on a daily basis.

But my amazing grandma always a fountain of advice and wisdom and a mother of 3 herself had a great saying. "You always have a favorite .... you favor the one that is sick until he is well ....you favor the one that is away until he returns, you favor the one that is hurt until he is healed" and this rings so true for me today.

As I lay cuddling my sick daughter at 1:00am this morning I realized that the day ahead of me was going to be consumed by a sick girl wanting my undivided attention and how are the boys going to be with this. But then I remembered what grandma said, and I think that they will be okay (well, Alex at least ... Landon still demands alot of attention).

The older 2 already had to deal with what would appear to be Landon as my favorite for the past year because he is so needy and dependent. I think they have done well this year, and I have done my best to reiterate that Ellie is my favorite girl, Alex is my favorite big boy and Landon is my favorite baby. I have tried extremely hard to show each of them that they are special in their own way to me, re-iterating what I love so much about each of them .... I try really hard to at least once a day tell them one thing that is unique and special to me about them ....again, Landon will get his in due time! :)

Being raised in a family where I was definitely never favored for anything I know how hurtful extra attention on another child can be. This makes me hyper aware as I interact with my own kids, I am aware that any extra love or attention or affection I show one may be construed negatively by another one. Maybe I will go overboard because it does hit so close to home for me, but I can't see this being a bad thing.

I am going to try my hardest to make sure my kids know they are all my favorite! And I will never forget grandma's words of wisdom .... so for today I am going to tend to today's favorite because she is sick!

Thanks grandma, once again, you are the best and your lessons taught have been taken to heart and remembered now that I am a mom.

Hopefully You Can Go Back .....

Well, I am a tad nervous but more than anything extremely excited for tomorrow .... tomorrow the family and I go to have a bbq with a family we haven't seen in many years ..... this is a family that was an integral part of our courtship, dating, engagement, wedding and early marriage .... and for whatever reason, we drifted apart.

That happens, people leave jobs, move on, and let's face it, we drift apart. But what is exciting to me is that we can drift back together. Thanks to the magic of facebook, I reconnected with this family's daughter who 11 years ago was my daughter's age when she beautifully served as our flower girl, and their then 6 year old was our ring bearer.

They are now fully grown 'grown ups' and to be honest I'm more nervous seeing them than their parents ... as grown ups we will probably just pick up where we left off, but my relationship with these 'children' is brand new, they are completely different people now and I know I won't be the 'fun auntie' that they once followed around, they will be the grown humans who may share a beer with me! (YIKES!!!)

But the part that I hope will be the most fun is seeing things come 'full circle' and hopefully see them engage with my children .... 11 years later!

I am also so excited to reconnect with their parents, two people who meant the world to me years ago, and I am so happy that we are able to make plans and hopefully pick up where we left off, without any hard feelings.

Expectations

I always had a vision when I got pregnant for the first time what my child(ren)'s grandparents would be like .... I had a vision of my folks being completely in your face, can't get rid of, wonderful, all wise, all teaching grandparents .... I had a vision of my husband's parents being, involved but at arm's length, busy with their own routines.

BOY was I wrong! Let's just say the opposite for each applies. But as my parents were out tonight (for their monthly/6 week visit), I did notice they do make an effort in their visit, and perhaps quality vs. quantity does apply. As much as I resent the other things in their lives that take their attention away from my kids, perhaps I should lower my expectations and accept what we get.

On the other hand I completely celebrate and am thankful for my inlaws and especially my mother in law, who has dropped everything at the drop of a hat to sit for the kids on the many times I have called upon her, has lovingly had an ear for me, and really, been just amazing to me and the kids all round.

Bottom line, my kids have 4 grandparents, 3 more than I had, and for better or worse they are what they are, and I should learn to accept and be grateful for the contributions (how little or great) they bring to my children, because my kids can't tell time, and for now don't 'get' what I see. To them, they're just Grandma Lynne and Grandpa George, and Grandma Rhea and Grandpa Buzz, and their memories will be their own, and I can't control everything, and I am learning to accept that .... good or bad! :)

The Age When ......

I realized today as I watched my beautiful innocent funloving gleeful daughter playing, just what was going on in my life when I was her age, and it sent a chill down my spine. I never looked at myself as ever being that age, and it makes me angry that my life changed so drastically at such a young age.

A child's innocence can be stolen in a million different ways, and mine was taken by a few ... but I always wonder how my personality may be have become different ... when you watch your child become the age you remember things from your own childhood, it is surreal .... I don't have many memories from my childhood before age 8, so it's strange, scarry, hurtful .... so many things, to watch her and make sure I am creating positive memories for her and to ensure that myself and others don't do to her some of the things that were done to me ... I realize now how fragile a child's ego is, and how mine was so easily damaged that I really 'get' the huge responsibility I have as her mother ... every word, look, rolling of eyes, anything I do I know she will remember and it will have an impact on her because it's at her age I start remembering my childhood. She will look back on her life as I am doing now and perhaps even blog about it .. but I have a huge role in how that turns out.

I look to her future, and I think of my life at the 'age when' and the things to come, and am starting to mentally and emotionally prepare myself and think of how my mom handled things, and how I felt, and how I will handle them differently. I accept that I have and will screw up a million different ways than my mom did, but I guess I can only hope to do my best and screw her up a little less than I was! :)

I have always taken my role as a mother very seriously and think it is the best job in the world, and strive to do it better than I've done anything else .... but it really hit home today that what I do will be remembered, and looked back on ....

..... I guess the saying is true "if you aren't ready to have your heart broken, you aren't ready to be a parent" .... and I know it's so true.

Happy Canada Day

Today we took the kids to sit in front of my grandma's old house to watch the Canada Day Parade. I have been going to this since I was a baby, and it is bitter sweet .... although grandma has been out of her house since 2007, we still go and camp out in front of her house to watch the parade. We are lucky to sneak in on the corner, but we are still being inched out, every year. I was watching the parade in tears this morning as I watched my children laughing, giggling, waving, scrambling for candy, and little Landon, in his little chair enjoying the parade for the 2nd time, but really for the first as he was only a month old last year. I was brought to tears as I realized that the tradition of watching the parade in grandma's house is gone ... has been for a couple years now, but it really hit home this year as grandma is now 98 and has announced she doesn't want to be 100. I also was in tears after the new owner of grandma's house graciously allowed me and the older 2 kids to take a tour of the house and see all the great changes she's made. It is comforting to know that she treasures the house and the spirit of it and has made every effort to maintain that. I offered to email her pictures of the house over the years so she could frame it and hang it in the house, an idea we both loved.

I realized as we were being inched off the grass in front of her house, that our tradition is gone, and perhaps, as I watched the new owners enjoy the parade with their friends and family that it may be time to pass the torch, and accept that there is a new family there now .... in our spot ... but I am taking comfort that the new owner said she is going to adopt grandma's idea of having Canada Day be a day long event and invite friends and family into the house after the parade to continue the celebration.

It's time that I create some new Canada Day traditions with my family. It still brings tears to my eyes, even as I write this, because it was one of the most memorable days of the year for me growing up, and it ties into my grandma and the amazing memories I have of her and the realization that this chapter in my life is closing.

Thanks grandma for the amazing memories you created for me ..... I am sad that my children will not experience the same but I am hereby committed to starting new traditions that will include the hospitality and fun that you emulated so wonderfully.